You and your partner have a heated argument over dinner. Later, you’re still upset about something they said during the fight. You bring it up so the two of you can talk through it, but they claim they never said that, and you’re making it up. They even tell you that you’re making a bigger deal out of the argument than it really was. You start questioning whether they’re right. Are you blowing things out of proportion, or are they gaslighting you?
What Does Gaslighting Mean?
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where someone tries to make you question your perception of reality, memories, or sanity. The gaslighter denies, twists, or distorts facts, events, or feelings, often to have power or control over you.
Characteristics of gaslighting:
- Denial of Reality. The gaslighter denies happenings, even when there is evidence, causing you to doubt your memory or perceptions.
- Distortion of Facts. The gaslighter twists facts or events to make you feel like you’re at fault or misunderstanding situations.
- Invalidating Feelings. The gaslighter dismisses your emotions, causing you to feel irrational or unreasonable.
- Projection. The gaslighter accuses you of behaviors or feelings they’re guilty of.
Where Does Gaslighting Happen?
Gaslighting can occur in just about any setting. The key trait of gaslighting is that one person wants to have control over another and make that person reliant on them. Because of this, gaslighting often occurs in romantic partnerships, but that’s not the only relationship in which it can occur.
Gaslighting can also happen in relationships with:
- Friends. A toxic friend might minimize your concerns, twist the truth, or make you feel overly emotional. Their goal is to be the dominant person in the relationship or avoid accountability for their own actions.
- Family. Family members gaslight when they’re trying to control one another. It can look like dismissing people’s feelings or denying past happenings.
- Colleagues. Gaslighting in the workplace is often meant to make the gaslighter look better. To do this, they shift blame and make others question their abilities.
- Doctors. Some healthcare professionals downplay people’s symptoms or make them doubt how they feel. This may be because the doctor really doesn’t know what’s going on or because they’re making assumptions about the cause without really listening to the patient.
- Leaders. Leaders or even entire groups can alter facts, spread misinformation, or claim their version of reality is the only truth, making people question their beliefs and knowledge.
Why Do People Gaslight?
People gaslight for various reasons. They mostly want to control others and feel authority or superiority. The most important thing to remember is that people gaslight you for their benefit, not for yours.
Common reasons people gaslight include:
- Control and Power. To maintain control over you and keep you dependent on them.
- Avoid Accountability. So they don’t have to accept consequences for their own actions.
- Self-Protection. They’re trying to protect themselves from their own flaws or failures.
- Narcissism. Gaslighters view themselves as superior, and they’ll do whatever is necessary to maintain that sense of grandiosity.
- Personal Gain. Their false narratives benefit them by helping them look better or get something.
- Fear. They may fear rejection or abandonment, so they try to control others to keep them from leaving.
- Learned Behavior. They grew up in environments where gaslighting was the norm and think that’s how to behave.
Is Gaslighting Abuse?
Gaslighting is abusive because it undermines your sense of self, erodes your confidence, and creates long-lasting emotional harm.
Like other forms of abuse, people use gaslighting to control others and to leave them feeling powerless. When you feel powerless, you become emotionally vulnerable and more dependent on the gaslighter.
The Psychological Impact of Gaslighting
The psychological impact of gaslighting can be profound and long-lasting. The psychological effects of gaslighting can include:
- Self-Doubt. You start to question your own thoughts, memories, and perceptions. You don’t trust your own judgment and have a difficult time trusting yourself to make decisions.
- Anxiety. You may start obsessively worrying about how others think about you or whether you’re wrong.
- Depression. You begin feeling down because you can’t even trust yourself.
- Low Self-Esteem. You feel inadequate, irrational, or overly emotional.
- Hypervigilance. You feel unsafe, which makes you overly cautious and causes you chronic stress.
- Isolation. You stay away from other people because you don’t think you’re reliable or you’re convinced they aren’t.
- Emotional Instability. Your emotions are all over the place because you no longer know what’s real.
- Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Ongoing extreme emotional distress can cause you to develop PTSD, a severe trauma disorder.
- Loss of Identity. You lose touch with who you are and what you stand for.
Sometimes, even after you’ve removed yourself from the gaslighting, you still experience self-doubt and trust issues. You may need to work with a mental health professional to rebuild your self-esteem and re-establish trust in yourself.
Signs Someone Is Gaslighting You
How do you know if someone is gaslighting you? It may seem like it would be obvious until you’re in that situation. Gaslighters are talented manipulators, making what they’re doing difficult to recognize. Here are some signs to look for:
- Constantly Questioning Your Memory. The person denies events or conversations that you know happened, saying they didn’t occur or you’re making them up.
- Minimizing or Dismissing Your Feelings. The person says you’re overreacting or being sensitive to make you feel like your feelings are unreasonable.
- Twisting Conversations or Facts. The person reframes actions or words to shift the blame off of them and onto you.
- Making You Doubt Your Perceptions. When you deal with the person, you start second-guessing yourself almost immediately.
- Isolating You. The gaslighter tries to alienate you from loved ones, making you more reliant on them.
- Frequent Lies or Denial. The person constantly denies things that are verifiable or lies about easily provable facts. They purposely try to confuse you.
- Projecting Their Faults. The gaslighter tries to shift focus from the things they’ve done by placing fault or blame on you.
Responding to Gaslighting
You’ve determined that someone is gaslighting you. Now what? How do you get yourself out of this situation? What’s the best way to respond?
- Call It Out. When someone gaslights you, let them know you recognize what they’re doing. Then, tell them that their behavior is unacceptable and you won’t tolerate it. Remove yourself from the situation.
- Document. Take notes about gaslighting to reflect and remind yourself of the truth. Notes will help protect you from the gaslighter’s narrative and justify discontinuing the relationship.
- Get External Validation. Gaslighting will make you unsure of what you think you know. Ask a trusted other or mental health professional if you’re seeing what you think. Then, take action.
- Avoid Arguing. There’s no point in arguing with a gaslighter. They will manipulate the truth until you’re at fault. Save your time and energy.
- Remove Yourself. Remove or distance yourself from the gaslighter, if at all possible. If you can’t totally remove yourself from them — like in the case of it being someone you work with, for example — acknowledge what’s happening and minimize your engagement with them as much as possible.
- Build Support. Gaslighting can have a severe negative impact on you. Consider seeking professional support and surrounding yourself with positive people who have your back.
Seek Help at All Counseling
Are you recognizing that you’ve been in a gaslighting relationship? Do you want to process what’s happened and take control of your thoughts and feelings again? All Counseling can connect you with the help you need and deserve. Visit our therapist directory to find the right therapist for you.
