You love your partner. Of course, you do. But sometimes you wonder if their seemingly constant negativity is hurting your relationship. You don’t want to be in a negative relationship, but you aren’t sure how to deal with your negative spouse. You don’t remember it always being this way, and it’s starting to drain you.
Recognizing the Signs of Negativity
“It’s not you, it’s me.” Sadly, we’ve all probably heard that break-up line at one point in time or another. But does it also apply to your spouse’s negativity? How do you know if your spouse is actually negative, or if you’re reading something into the situation that isn’t there or just being negative yourself?
Signs of a negative mindset:
- Frequent Complaints. They often focus on what’s wrong rather than what’s right, complaining about situations, people, or even themselves.
- Pessimism. They tend to expect the worst in most situations, focusing on potential failures or problems rather than opportunities or solutions.
- Critical Attitude. They are overly critical of you, themselves, or others, often pointing out flaws and rarely giving praise or encouragement.
- Lack of Support. They may not be supportive of your goals, dreams, or successes, instead dismissing them or downplaying their importance.
- Moodiness. They frequently experience mood swings, with a tendency to linger in negative emotions like anger, frustration, or sadness.
- Resistance to Change. They’re resistant to trying new things or changing their perspective. They want to stay in their comfort zone, even if it’s unhealthy.
- Blaming Others. They don’t take personal responsibility. Instead, they blame others or external circumstances for their problems.
- Defensiveness. When you try to talk to them about their negativity, they become defensive.
- Isolation. They don’t want to do things with other people.
- Lack of Gratitude. They rarely express gratitude or appreciation for the good things in life.
What Causes People to Become Negative?
Here’s the thing. It wasn’t always like this. Your partner hasn’t always walked around with a glass-half-empty attitude. So, what happened? What caused your partner to become so negative?
Lots of things can make people adopt negative mindsets. If it’s something that happened in their past, you may already know about it, and it’s just now impacting them in this way. Or, something may have happened that’s causing this attitude shift.
People adopt negative attitudes because of:
- Adverse Experiences. Negative experiences, especially in childhood, can lead to a negative outlook on life. Traumatic events, abuse, neglect, or chronic stress can shape a person’s worldview, making them more prone to pessimism and negativity.
- Chronic Stress. Ongoing stress, whether from work, relationships, financial issues, or health problems, can wear a person down over time. Stress, and not knowing how to cope with it, can lead to a more negative outlook, as they may feel overwhelmed or hopeless about their situation.
- Mental Health Issues. Conditions like depression, anxiety, or personality disorders can contribute to a negative mindset. These mental health issues often cause people to focus on the negative aspects of life, struggle with self-esteem, and experience a lack of motivation or joy.
- Negative Thought Patterns. Some people develop habitual negative thought patterns, often referred to as cognitive distortions. These patterns include all-or-nothing thinking, overgeneralization, catastrophizing, and focusing on the negatives while ignoring positives. Over time, these patterns can become ingrained, making it difficult for the person to see things in a positive light.
- Low Self-Esteem. People with low self-esteem may be more prone to negativity. They might doubt themselves, fear failure, or expect rejection or disappointment, leading to a generally pessimistic attitude.
- Environmental Influences. Being surrounded by negative people at work, in social circles, or in relationships can reinforce and perpetuate negativity.
- Lack of Control. Feeling powerless or lacking control over one’s life can lead to negativity. When people feel that they can’t influence their circumstances, they may become pessimistic about their ability to achieve positive outcomes.
- Unresolved Grief or Loss. Experiencing a significant loss, such as the death of a loved one or the loss of a job, can lead to prolonged grief or sadness. If not properly processed, it can manifest as ongoing negativity.
- Physical Health Issues. Chronic pain, illness, or fatigue can contribute to a negative outlook.
- Unmet Expectations. Repeated disappointments or unmet expectations in life, such as unfulfilled career aspirations or financial struggles, can lead to bitterness and negativity.
- Negative Information Consumption. Constant exposure to negative information can create or reinforce a negative worldview.
Effects of Negativity on a Relationship
Ok, it’s not you, it’s them. Now that you’ve confirmed your thinking that your partner is negative, why is it important to take action? Other than bothering you, negativity can have adverse effects on your relationship if you don’t deal with it.
Negativity impacts your relationship by creating:
- Emotional Drain. Constant negativity can be emotionally draining for you, even making you feel more negatively, too, and causing you to adopt some of the attitudes and behaviors you dislike about your partner. It also can begin to negatively impact your mental health.
- Increased Conflict. Negativity often leads to more arguments and disagreements. A partner who constantly complains or criticizes can create a tense atmosphere, making it easier to argue.
- Erosion of Trust and Intimacy. When one partner is consistently negative, it can erode trust and intimacy. The other partner may feel less safe or supported in expressing their feelings, leading to a loss of emotional connection.
- Resentment. If one partner feels that their efforts to maintain positivity or improve the relationship are met with negativity, it can lead to resentment.
- Lowered Relationship Satisfaction. A relationship where negativity is prevalent often results in lower overall satisfaction for both partners. The relationship may feel more like a burden than a source of joy and support. If this continues, you may decide the relationship isn’t worth continuing.
How to Deal With a Negative Spouse
Your partner wasn’t always this negative, but they certainly are now, and it’s affecting you and your relationship. So, what do you do? How do you deal with a negative spouse?
Work to Understand
Have a conversation with your spouse about what you’ve observed in their attitudes and behaviors. Ask them if they’ve noticed feeling negative and work to understand why they might be feeling this way. Ask open-ended questions during the conversation and try to understand their feelings.
It’s not an easy conversation to have, but it’s important to talk to someone you think is struggling emotionally. They may need your help and just not know how to articulate it.
Set Boundaries
Once you’ve broached the issue, it’s essential to talk about how their negative attitudes and behaviors are impacting you. Use “I” statements and provide specific examples. For example, “I feel like you aren’t valuing your time with me when you spend date night complaining about the food we ate at dinner.”
Remember that you are responsible for your own well-being, so you may need to take a step back from the negativity and give yourself time and space. For example, you may tell your partner, “I’ve decided that I’m going to go into another room and read when you watch the news because it seems to really put you in a negative mood.”
Encourage Positivity
Help your spouse reframe negative thoughts by focusing on the positive or possible solutions. It doesn’t mean you consider their feelings invalid if you acknowledge them and attempt to focus on the good.
For example, if they’re complaining about work, say, “That sounds rough. Was there anything good that happened today?”
Lead By Example
Model positivity by showing appreciation, gratitude, and optimism in your interactions with your spouse. For example, building on the dinner example from above, you could say, “My dinner wasn’t great either, but the chips and salsa were really good, and I’m just happy we were able to go on a date.”
If you model positivity enough, your spouse may begin to mirror your behavior.
Encourage Professional Help
The cause of your spouse’s negativity may be something bigger than you can model them out of. If so, suggest they seek help from a mental health professional who can address that root cause and help them heal.
Find a Therapist on All Counseling
If you or your partner need help overcoming or dealing with negativity, a mental health professional may be the answer. All Counseling’s therapist directory can help you find a therapist. You can search for individual and couples counselors to help meet your needs.
